Selfish

She sat in the passenger seat of my car; I said hi and she responded coldly. I tried to lighten up the mood by joking. She sat there silently. Finally I asked what was wrong and she said "It's all your fault! You're always late." Then she quickly wiped away a tear. That was the last complete sentence she has said for the past 4 hours.
Conclusion: I am a jerk of a sister.

One time my mom told me I can be very selfish at times, only caring about what I have to do and putting everyone else below me. I think she is right.
I have this I-wanna-save-the-world outlook and reputation; I put a tree-hugging bumper sticker on my car; I try to raise awareness of world issues. Yet when it comes to simple stuff like today's case, I am selfish, and I hate myself because of that.

I was almost an hour late again.
I should not have been.
What I was doing during that time wasn't that important.
I made a mistake and regret it.

I remember the numerous times my dad was late in picking me up from school or from English evening classes. I would be the last one waiting an hour after class was over; now I have been condemning my sister to the same fate, but I no longer will. Now, one might think, big deal you had to wait for a while, get over it! But I truly believe that losing trust in someone starts from small, seemingly insignificant instances like these. I honestly no longer rely on my dad. I've lost much of my trust in him. I do not want my sister to lose trust in me; I want to be the big sister she can talk to when she is feeling down, or the one with whom she wants to just hang out. I don't want to be the loathed, evil big sibling who takes advantage of the disadvantages of the younger one.

I'll try my best, starting...now.

It was 5:50. I had driven as quickly yet safely as possible from the library in order to get to the band party on time. I got out of my car, walked to the door to which I have walked innumerable times and opened it to find my friends sitting around in a messily drawn circle, talking and laughing. They greeted me as they usually do. "HI HEDIEH!!!"
I took a chair and sat there. I listened to and took part in their hilarious conversations and remembered all the times I have sat in that room, with those people laughing, playing music, being loud, and having an amazing time. I remembered the first time I walked into the room; I was a nervous sophomore, not even sure if I would be able to stay in band. I remembered the first time I played a song with them, the first time I laughed at their ridiculous jokes, the first time I felt comfortable talking to one of them about my life, the first time I thought to myself "I love these people despite their silliness and I will miss them when we all leave." Today I thought that same thing again. I looked at the seniors in band, the flirty one, the pothead, the player, the musical prodigy, and the obnoxiously loud one, and realized that I would miss every single one of them next year. Have I gotten mad at them in the past two years? Yes. Have I yelled at them at the top of my lungs? Not quite but I have yelled a bit. Have I felt like I would rather not be around some of them? Yes. But today, I had an epiphany and realized that despite their imperfections and flaws, they have made my life interesting, twice a week from 6-7:30, and I will miss their presence as I have missed that of last year's seniors.

It's crazy how people who you don't think would really matter to you actually do. I joined band with the purpose of having an extracurricular activity that I would enjoy. Little did I know that I would become emotionally involved with it all. I didn't know I would try to boost the self confidence of one of those kids by knitting him a scarf, or getting their help in making a rap video for a wonderful friend, or going out with one of them, or having a heart to heart talk with one of them about his life at college. I didn't know all this would happen; in fact, I didn't expect for any of it to happen but gladly, it did and taught me valuable life lessons.

An hour and 40 minutes later, I got back into my car only to find one of those silly kids standing behind my car daring me to back up; I took the dare and he pretended to fall down and have been injured. Naturally I went out to make sure he's ok and taken advantage of my gullibility, he actually made me somewhat concerned until he got up and ran off laughing. And then I drove away...

Disappointment

Sometimes we give ourselves so much hope that when we don't achieve what we had hoped for, the disappointment is major. At times you think you can do something, you put all in your power into it and the anticipation builds up. But something goes wrong and your effort is deemed futile. You wonder why it all happened, and reflect on everything for a long time. You just sit on your bend, look into nowhere in particular and just think. But no matter how hard you think, no acceptable answer appears. This is when you say, maybe it was just meant to be so. This is when people look up to find a God, a superior force of reasons. This is when people say "It was part of the big plan that God has always had for us." But these are what some people say, far from anything others can settle for.
Disappointment is most agonizing feeling after guilt. It makes you think you were not good enough.

Endings

Yesterday I went to a celebration of a wonderful person's life, and the end of it.
I didn't know her too well, but I surely do know her daughter.
I found myself crying though and later realized it was because of two reasons. One was that my dear friend was crying next to me and another was that the priest's words make me think deeply.
After the ceremony, I was glad to find a much lightened mood among my friends.
It's cliche to think and say this but when we walked out of the chapel building, all hugged her and each other and then began talking about other things and laughing, it seemed as if we helped her leave the loss behind, though she has seemed to cope with it very well already.

Today, I went to the last band concert as a junior. It was bittersweet. The director is leaving, he gave me an award and said that all the boys should emulate me. Imagine a band rehearsal with everyone acting like Hedieh....it looks too proper and not that fun.
But because of the circumstances I did not even say hi to him individually. Every time I passed by his parents I looked down or away. He didn't look at me much either. My mom was telling me her opinion (first impression really) about all the kids in band. When he walked up to get his award she said "He is a really really nice guy." and she only used such emphasis on niceness for him. Of course it was just a first impression but:

I found it ironically great.

Now I find myself thinking why people are often so critical of one another.
We're only human and imperfect.
Why not help each other become better people rather than look at one another with contempt?
I wonder...

Finally

A year of hectic assignments and studying, of copying and re-testing, of stressing and sleep deprivation. Now it's time; it has finally come. (My writing is starting to sound somewhat poetic; I'm blaming it on Mr. M) All I can do is sit there and write, dig deep into the crevices of my brain and pull out the details of the past, the scandals, the good and the bad.

So here I will go to bed about 1-2 hours earlier than I usually do, hoping that it will do me some good.

[posting a blog about an AP test is pretty dorky but hey, what do you expect ;) ]

New friend

Today was a hectic yet amazing day.
Hectic because of AP practice tests, rally, mathletics organization, and another club errand.
Amazing because of the great experience I had talking to the French tourists who were in the tour bus accident.
We got there and a few French adults came in; we began speaking with them about basic things such as their city of residence in France, their families, and careers. Slowly, a few told us bits and pieces of information about their family members who died in the bus accident or are in serious condition. I don't think I'll ever forget when a gentleman said (in french) "My wife is at the hospital in San Francisco [pointing to his ring since my French comprehension skills are not that great] so I will return to France some time later." I seriously did not know what to say; so I remembered a verb that we had looked up on our way there: prier. "Je vais prier pour lui." He smiled but I could see his eyes getting watery. Then he reached out and grabbed my hand, slightly squeezing it. "Merci." he said. Thinking about that single moment, I can't help but think how hurt he must have been and what an emotional toll this tragedy must be taking on him. It makes me sad.

Then Axel came it. He was a 15-year-old boy with a Rolling Stones t-shirt, kinda tight jeans, and somewhat shaggy/frizzy/straightened hair. At first the 10 ND girls were reluctant to go forward and talk to him but we did. He was such a nice kid; so sociable, funny, and fun. We all talked about different stuff, laughed, and became Axel's new friends. "You have facebook?" he asked. Needless to say, our response was quite joyous "YES!!" Then he came to the rally and definitely had fun.

So now I am pretty content and grateful simply because I had the chance to meet these people and Axel. Who knows, maybe one day when I go to France I can go hang out with some of the people and their families. Or perhaps Axel or Lina (the 13-year-old girl) will stay in the States for a year or two. That's all for the future of course; what matters now is that meeting them contributed to making me a more whole person and carving off the mud and gunk off my heart.