Fuzzy and jagged and smooth! Oh my

photo credit: my sister

Yesterday I went on a Garden-adventure with two friends and at some point while they were capturing the beauty of the gardens with their amateur photography, I took it upon myself to feel nature, so to say. Now I'm a pretty nature-loving, tree-hugging, hiking-junkie myself but I had never done what I did yesterday.

I touched leaves of different plants. With my eyes closed. The variety of textures and edges blew my mind. There were fuzzy leaves and smooth leaves and jagged leaves and silky leaves and furry leaves and aahhh, such beauty!

Sometimes in order to experience the world around us, we must turn off several senses to make another sense several times as acute.

How beautiful would it be to live one day with eyes closed but ears picking up the quietest of noises and hands feeling unique textures.

I hope this gets to you

A few days ago my friends introduced me to the following song and it made me think.

It made me think how for granted we take the opportunity to give someone a message, talk to someone, see someone. And when that opportunity is taken from us by distance (either geographic or distance in the closeness of the hearts of two people) we, for once, feel the void.

But distance is in the way. Conditions are not right. Reception is missing.

In the mean time, enjoy the song.

Delirious Appreciation

A year of college is almost over and there are so many things that have happened to me. I feel, bear with me here, much older. I remember one of my favorite high school teachers talked to me about how he misses the constant stimulation (intellectual, social, etc.) that he felt in college. I can say that I truly appreciate the constant stimulation that has existed for me these past several months. From political activism, to learning how to deal with psychotic individuals, to living a fantastic dorm life, to learning what I do and don't like about "partying," to expanding the diversity within my friend group (Salinas doesn't quite have much diversity...unless you count fruit and vegetables as diverse entities) I have had a fantastic experience.

Life is a box of Godiva Limited Edition Truffles given to you as a gift. You appreciate it, first of all, never know what you'll get (unless you can tell from the wrapper,) and there are chocolates of all different colors and each one is delicious. Some may be rougher in texture than others but nevertheless enjoyable.

I'm not sure how many people actually read my blog (or know about it) but I will say this anyhow. Thank you for being in my life, whoever you are. You've help shaped this delirious blogger and I appreciate it.

Fundamental Attribution Error

According to Wikipedia the following is true:

"In social psychology, the fundamental attribution error (also known as correspondence bias or attribution effect) describes the tendency to over-value dispositional or personality-based explanations for the observed behaviors of others while under-valuing situational explanations for those behaviors."

It's something along the lines of attributing someone's behavior to their personality but rather than, to the external factors that led to that behavior.

Try to minimize it if you can because guess what? External factors affect people's behavior more than you would think. I remember there was a girl in one of my classes who I thought was just straight up, mean. Later I found out she was going through an abortion. I felt horrible for making a judgement about her personality simply based on her behavior and for the first time I promised myself I would no longer consciously do that. Only yesterday did I learn the name of this human tendency. And I thought I would share it with the world especially since I haven't been blogging much lately.

The Problem

Are you offended by my looks?

Does my color make you cringe?

Or is it the necklace, bracelet, nose ring.

Or is it the word that offends you?

The syllables that I uncover and sing.

No reservations, honestly so,

cause you see, I say things as they are,

naked, bare, I let them flow.

Oh I'm terribly sorry,

I apologize that... what? YOU are offended?

I apologize that I am the way I am;

truly, really, so sorry.

So. Sorry.

Not sorry. Not a bit.

Because... what? I am the problem?

Oh no sir, YOU are the issue here

it's become much more than clear.

And it's time for me to clear up my words too,

and trust me, of you I have no fear.

I. Will not. Apologize. For being. As I am.

Not any more, not once more even

in the darkest of nights and loneliest of ages,

I will not let you take away my pages.

Because this notebook cannot afford to lose any more,

because it's becoming much emptier than before.

Perhaps I've been too harsh.

Your mind is the problem and you are the curer,

all you need to do is be a bit truer,

to your inner being.

And trust me, you will come clean.

Reload

My 2nd (ish) attempt at "for fun" poetry/spoken word

Just when you'd think it's all over and done,

a final blow comes.

You can't dodge it so you take it in the chest

with no warning, no message, simply strange.

Thoughts and memories all get stirred up,

you try and try but no new epiphany whirls out.

And you reload. Reload.

But no new results come up.

You do the research, read the relevant literature.

But no. Nothing.

You're left with a cloud of questions

a bunch of "What did I do?" 's

and "What went wrong?" 's

But you lost a friend and nothing really can be done.

But reload.

Some things I like about home

I like:

1. My big room

2. The painting of a heart in the ocean above my bed, done by a dear friend

3. My mom's terms of endearment

4. My sister's silly attitude

5. Looking at the backyard and the verdant hills behind it

6. Sipping tea and reading a book without worrying about classes

7. Driving around with friends to places with memories

8. Catching up with friends

9. Seeing people randomly around town

10. Home-cooked food

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHEOF_rcND8

The merits of blogs

Why read blogs?

Because you'll come across that one post that makes you tear up

or the one that you love so much you can't help but comment on

or the one that consists of a friend or acquaintance opening up, sharing with the world all the heartache, the pain, the troubles she/he has

or the one with the girl who is swimming against the current saying that popular opinion is mistaken or hypocritical

And you stop. Reread.

You think.

And you learn something new

you realize that you had been too narrow minded

or judged too quickly

and you learn that you're not alone.

Movie craving

I would love to see this movie.

Blurry Computer Screen

I hate it. I hate that I'm never sure. About anything. I make a decision and soon enough I'm wondering if I made a mistake, if I said no to something great. If I relied on my selective memory as an accurate description of things. If I took other people's advice instead of using my own head. If I made mistakes along the way and instead of acknowledging that they were my mistakes, blamed them on others or circumstances.

And I come to the conclusion that in fact, I, am the problem. Not others. Not circumstances.

And I eliminate myself from the equation but my math skills don't equal my verbal skills.

And I'm bound to be in a state of words unsaid forever.

So I sit here, like a dead body, and look at the blurry computer screen.

Cheating

It disgusts me.

What happened to integrity?

Oh, right. It's not actually that bad because you'll never use this information in the future anyway.

Oh wait... aren't you going to be an engineer?

I sure hope you are not a structural engineering major...nor any other major.

Actually, I hope you get caught.

Or maybe you'll just stop.

Really? You'll just rationalize it so?

Oh of course. Everybody does it so in order to have it be fair, you should do it too.

Because a strive for a better, more morally aware world on an individual level is pointless.

Or it is according to you.

Well, I think you're wrong.

There are lots of things that I can't say I'm entirely sure I believe in. But this one is black and white to me. Cheating is wrong. No matter what kind of twisted logic you present to me, and even if I can't fight back and prove my point because of a lack of speaking or debating skills, I'll never agree with you.

Home

Home is the entity that is so engrained within you that no matter how far away you are from it, or how deep inside you bury it, it will keep coming up.

The only thing that needs to happen is a trigger. A familiar song, phrase, picture, object.

Next thing you know, memories begin to pass in front of your eyes in bits and pieces.

You remember the ti

me you broke the rules and got punished.

The time when you exchanged a heart to heart with a friend on top of a beautiful hill.

The time when you cried because the movie was too sad or the death too unbearable.

The time when you did the wrong thing and never forgave yourself for it.

The time when you laughed because the suggestion was so silly.

The time when you exchanged a smile that was miles beyond a smile.

A smile that could not be explained by pages and pages of writing.

And you wish you could relive it all and this time truly appreciate every second of it.

Revisiting, Rewatching, Remembering

There's something intensely powerful about watching a movie that truly affects you deeply, over and over again.

There's something about the moment when you catch a piece of dialogue, a certain movement, a facial expression of a character, that you had missed previously.

There's a pure enjoyment, an "ah" in the new finding.

There's something about the emotion you feel, the smile that inevitably shows upon your face, the tear that you shed, the goose-bumps that you get on your arms that remind you of the last time you watched the movie and who you were with and how you feel about the fact that you're far away from them.

There's something magnificently beautiful in that experience.

And there's something beautiful about the perfect timing that God has for you.

You feel perfectly in sync with the plan.

Beauty

What is beauty? Who is beautiful? Who defines beauty?

Is the Megan Fox look considered beautiful? Angelina Jolie? I don't know... Salma Hayek?

Is beauty external or internal? What makes one externally or internally beautiful?

Take a moment. Think about those questions. Think about people who you consider truly beautiful and what qualities they have.

A friend today talked to me about a revelation she had about beauty and as I reflected upon our talk, I came to the following realization.

We've all heard phrases like "Beauty is on the inside," but what does that actually mean?

Have you ever met someone new who is definitely highly physically attractive but once you begin talking to them or knowing them better, you find out that they are not exactly the nicest or most morally conscientious person? If so, don't you find yourself lowering that person on the attractiveness scale?

I do.

And likewise, when you meet someone who's not the most good-looking person out there but is truly a good person in every way possible, they become more beautiful as you get to know them.

On a scientific level (or my attempt at a scientific explanation) this correlation between outward beauty and inward beauty may be reflective of what all of us think when we think of "beautiful." Perhaps, in one's mind, the word "beautiful" comes to consist of various different aspects and subconsciously if one factor is lagging, we perceive the individual as less beautiful.

So maybe internal beauty is reflective of internal peace, perhaps ever a divine connection...

Just thinking out loud

Late night blogging

Every person you meet is fighting an internal struggle to one degree or another.

If you find that individual ignorant, or upset, or illogical, bear with them.

Control your anger or frustration.

Do not antagonize them.

Love them.

Through kindness do doors of understanding open.